Posted on by castleberryhearts · 7 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 14

“And this is Randy Rogers…” Grant explained as he turned up the volume on my car radio. He had hooked up his Ipod to my system and was letting me listen to what he called, “real” country music.

Grant had gradually been introducing me to the world of Texas Country since we had started dating, but this was the first time we’d ever been able to listen to it together.
I loved it. It was so different than Nashville Country, and I found it really refreshing.
We were driving down I-17, headed to Charleston to do some Christmas shopping. Grant had never been to Charleston before and I had told him that we HAD to go together while he was in town.
Grant also thought it would be a good idea for just the two of us to get away for a day. It was the morning after our talk in the cemetery where I had shared with Grant how I had been feeling disconnected from him.
Grant decided it was time to just have some fun hanging out together.
After all, isn’t that what dating couples are supposed to do?
We went downtown and spent the entire day there. I showed Grant all my favorite shops and restaurants.
We ate lunch at a chicken place that I had never eaten at before. I was planning on taking Grant somewhere else but when we passed by, Grant saw the chicken on the sign and said it reminded him of a restaurant in College Station called Layne’s Chicken and he insisted that we had to check it out.
I loved the way Grant took initiative even in small things like that and didn’t make me choose everything.
We sat across from one another and Grant talked with me about theology and football and Texas.
He asked me so many questions about what it was like growing up in Beaufort, growing up in a pastor’s family, and going to Clemson.
I stopped worrying about being “disconnected” and instead found myself answering questions and laughing and learning things about Grant that I didn’t know before.
We went for a walk on the Battery and Grant told me so many funny stories. You would think that after four months of non-stop talking, we would have already run out of things to talk about, but we never did.
And that was the thing – I always had fun talking with Grant. I enjoyed his company.
In the past, I had been used to thinking up things to say on dates to keep the conversation flowing. But with Grant, it was so different. I never had to “think up” anything to say, conversation just flowed naturally.
I thought about the fact that Grant could have made the day stressful by holding against me what I had said to him the day before, but he didn’t.
If he had been the one to tell me that he felt “disconnected,” I most likely would have been an emotional wreck for the rest of his visit.
But that’s what I loved about Grant, while we were alike in so many things, he was also different than me.
I could lean on him. He was strong. He was steady. He wasn’t easily swayed.
Towards the end of the day, we were walking down King Street, headed back to where we had parked the car when Grant stopped in front of a store window to look at something inside. I stopped too and stared at him.
He looked so tall and lean. As he stood there, I watched as several guys passed by him. They were typical S.C. boys wearing khakis, S.C. belts, rainbows, colored polos, croakies, and visors over shaggy hair (if you are from S.C., you know exactly the look I’m talking about). I have absolutely nothing against this look, but as they passed by I couldn’t help but notice the difference.
My Grant was standing there in dark jeans with a rugged brown belt. He of course had his cowboy boots on just like he did the day I first met him when I was sixteen. His shirt was a dark color and his Marine hair-cut that I had always thought was way too short, looked so sharp.
He looked rugged. He looked strong. He looked like a real man and not a school boy.
I felt safe and protected with him.
As I stood there staring, I suddenly remembered a conversation that I’d had with my mom a year or so before. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time and my mom said, “GraceAnna, you need a guy who is godly, a hard worker, has a heart for ministry; someone who is steady and knows how to draw you out, and… someone who is funny.”
“Sounds like the perfect guy, I hope he’s out there.” I remember saying.
“Well, God’s best is always better than anything you can imagine,” she responded.
I thought about that as I stood there staring at Grant on the street. He was all those things. All those qualities that I couldn’t imagine one man possessing.
Grant turned towards me and caught me staring. He smiled, “You ready to head out?“
“Yes,” I blushed as my heart skipped a beat. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so disconnected anymore.
We walked to the car together as my mom’s words echoed in my mind, “God’s best is always better than you can imagine.”
“Hey Grant,”
“Yes, GraceAnna?”
“I just want you to know that I’m not feeling so disconnected anymore,” I said as I reached over and touched his arm.
Grant didn’t look at me but I saw an ever faint smile creep onto his face. He reached over and touched my hand. I felt the roughness of his callouses as a shot of something raced through my fingers.
No, not disconnected at all.
 
 
to be continued…
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 3 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 13

Grant stared into my eyes, realizing that I needed to tell him something important.

We were still sitting on the stone bench in the cemetery and it was starting to get chilly as the sun was sinking behind the trees.
“GraceAnna, what’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.”
“Grant, I’m afraid to tell you,” my voice was shaking now and I felt on the verge of tears.
The last thing I wanted to do was say something that might hurt him. I had felt so full of courage just a few moments before, but now I was losing that courage and afraid that I was about to ruin the special afternoon we had just spent together remembering his father.
Grant’s face had a look of concern, “Tell me, GraceAnna. You can trust me.”
I looked at the honesty in his face and I knew he was telling me the truth. I knew I could trust him and that he wouldn’t reject me for what I was about to say.
“Well,” I began, “ever since you arrived, I have felt disconnected from you. When I close my eyes and I hear your voice, everything feels normal, like it’s been for the past four months. But when I open my eyes, I feel like we just met. It’s like I can’t seem to connect the Grant that I’ve fallen in love with to the Grant sitting here in front of me.”
“GraceAnna,” Grant’s face looked confused, “I don’t understand. It’s me! It’s me, Grant.”
“I know, I don’t understand it either. It’s tearing me up on the inside and I haven’t wanted to say anything about it. But, I can’t keep a secret from you. And, well, I need you to pray for me.”
“I have noticed that you have seemed a little distant and that something has been bothering you.”
“You have?”

“Yes, GraceAnna, I know you.” We sat there in silence for a few moments as Grant processed what I had just said. I could see the sadness in his eyes now and my tears started to fall as I realized that I was hurting him.

“GraceAnna, I love you, and nothing is going to change that, but I want you to love me back. I want you to feel comfortable with me. I don’t want you to be forcing yourself to feel a certain way about me… GraceAnna, look at me.”

My gaze had shifted to the ground and as I looked up at him Grant brushed a piece of my hair out of my face.
“GraceAnna, I’ll be praying for you. Trust me, I want this to work out. I have given my whole heart to you. You are the girl of my heart.”
“Grant, I do love you, I know that. I don’t want you to doubt that. But for some reason, I don’t feel the way I know I should feel. And I know that if I truly love you that I have to be honest with you.“
We sat there in silence again. Grant was hurting over the things I had just said and I was hurting that I had said them.
Instead of Grant walking away from me or getting angry, he looked at me and smiled, “I love you, girl. Let’s go.”

I watched him stand up. He amazed me. How could he treat me with such respect at this moment? How could he love me like that when I had just hurt him?

This must be true love.

We got back in the car and drove out the gate of the now dark cemetery; leaving behind the thousands of white headstones and an afternoon that I wanted to always remember and yet forget at the same time.
————————————-
I sat alone on the floor of my bedroom at my parents house that night. Grant and I had parted for the day.
I looked around my room. This was the room that had been mine since I was five years old. I had so many memories in this room. It had gone through so many different phases of redecorating – with myself being the chief designer and implementor of those ideas. I had played dress-up and house in this room. I had applied for college in this room. I had read my Clemson acceptance letter in this room.
I had laughed and cried so many tears in this room.
And now, as I sat on the floor as a twenty-three year old, I cried again.
I felt terrible. I was angry with myself for not feeling the way I wanted to feel. I was angry with myself for hurting Grant and ruining what was supposed to be some of the best 10 days of my life.
Dear God, I prayed, what is going on? I can’t do this, the pain is too great.

It would be better to have never loved Grant at all then to fall in love with the most amazing man I’d ever dreamed of and then to feel disconnected from him somehow.
I poured out my heart before the Lord that night.
Father, I prayed. If this is some sort of spiritual battle to keep Grant and I apart, I pray that you would intervene and get rid of it. Or if it’s just me, I pray that you would overcome whatever it is that’s going on and help me not to feel this way. Please, open my eyes. If Grant is the man that you want me to marry, then get rid of these fears. And if he’s not the one for me, then please help me see that more clearly and help me get through this, because I cannot do it in my own strength.

I prayed with tears falling down my face for a really long time. My mom came in at one point and sat next to me and prayed with me.
Then, I climbed up into my bed and fell asleep. I didn’t know what was in store for the next day, but I finally felt a peace about everything for the first time since Grant had arrived.

to be continued…

Posted on by castleberryhearts · 3 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 12

“Hey, GraceAnna, I’d like to go out to my dad’s memorial marker today,” Grant told me.


It was the third day that Grant was visiting me in Beaufort. We were having a good time together despite the fact that I was still feeling disconnected from him. I decided not to talk with him about the way I was feeling though, and instead just give myself some time to adjust.
I was sure that after a few days I would probably be fine.
Sometimes, I put too much pressure on myself to feel a certain way, which only makes me feel the opposite way that I want to feel.
I figured this is what had been taking place since Grant arrived. I had expected and desired everything to be like a perfect fairytale from the moment Grant stepped off the plane.
After all, we had fallen in love across the ocean through the “power of the pen,” or well, the keyboard. When my prince charming set his foot on American soil in my beloved hometown, I was supposed to fall into his arms and we would live happily ever after.
Instead, I had felt awkward, scared, and the reality of the fact that we had never spent time together had become very real.
Perhaps if I had not put so much unrealistic pressure on myself for everything to be perfect, then I would not be experiencing the “disconnect” (as Grant later called my condition).
Grant on the other hand, was just taking things in stride. He was living in reality. He had not imagined some romantic ideal of how things would play out when we were together.
He was just enjoying his time with me. He was not putting pressure on me or on our relationship. He was being himself, enjoying being back in America, and somehow, despite my “issues,” he was loving my company.
——————-
We arrived at the Beaufort National Cemetery later that afternoon. I’d been there countless times over the years since Beaufort is my hometown. But since I had been unaware of the story of Grant’s father’s tragic accident until that year, I’d never been to Kelly’s memorial marker.
I had gone out there one day when I was visiting home that past fall, after Grant and I had started talking. I wanted to see if I could find his dad’s marker. However, I ended up abandoning my search because I somehow felt like I needed to wait to visit it for the first time with Grant.
Grant parked the car and got out. I knew this was a special day for him. I knew that visiting his dad’s marker was one of the reasons he had been looking forward to coming to Beaufort that Christmas.
Before Grant and I had started talking, when Grant first joined the Marine Corps, he requested Beaufort as his first duty station. Instead, he got Japan.
Beaufort has always been near to his heart because it was the last place that his father was on this earth. It was the last place Grant had seen his father. And it is the only place that Grant has memories of his dad.
His memories are few and vague of Kelly since Grant was only two years old when he died. But he remembers his dad chasing him around the house while he screamed the screams that only a toddler can in excitement and playful fear of his dad catching him. He also remembers his dad bathing him and turning the cold water on and off which made Grant scream and laugh.

And of course, he could never forget his two-year-old firetruck birthday party in Laurel Bay. His dad asked the base fire station to drive to their house with the firetruck sirens blasting and give all the little boys a tour of a real firetruck.

“That was the coolest party ever,” Grant told me as a twenty-five year old man.
These are Grant’s few memories of his father that he cherishes. Oh, he has so many more memories of what other people have told him about his dad, but these memories are his.
Grant had shared these memories with me before that day and I thought about them as I watched his tall frame get out of the car and walk to the place where he knew his dad’s memorial marker was located.
Even though it had been seven years since Grant had last been there, he knew exactly where to go.
It didn’t matter that his dad’s marker was situated among hundreds of white stones that were identical. The path to where it was located seemed to be seared forever in Grant’s memory.
I guess you don’t forget something like that.
I stood back, just watching him make his way to his dad’s marker.
This was his sacred moment and while he had allowed me to be a part of it, I didn’t want to intrude.
Grant stood quietly in front of the memorial marker. It’s a memorial marker, and not a grave stone, because his father’s body was never found after the plane crash.
Searchers did find his dad’s pilot helmet floating in the Atlantic Ocean. From what I understand, items like that are normally not given to the family, but are instead kept for investigation purposes. But in this instance, Grant was given the helmet at his dad’s memorial service a year after the crash.

Grant’s mom saw the helmet as a sign from the Lord that Kelly had gone home to be with his Savior and was not lost somehow at sea. Grant cherished that helmet.
Even from where I stood at a distance, I could make out the inscription on the marker.
It read on the front:

IN MEMORY OF
CHARLES
KELLY
CASTLEBERRY JR
CAPT
US MARINE CORPS
JAN 5 1960
SEP 23 1986
VMFA 312
“GraceAnna, come here.”

Grant realized that I was standing far off.
“Come, stand here with me.”

I walked over, feeling honored that he wanted me there.
“Read the back of the marker, GraceAnna.”

We walked around to the back, and as I read, the tears I had been trying to hold back started to fall.
DEVOTED
HUSBAND OF
SUSAN E
CASTLEBERRY
LOVING FATHER OF
GRANT R
CASTLEBERRY
II TIMOTHY 4:7-8
IT IS WELL
WITH MY SOUL
“It’s so dirty, you’d think they’d keep these clean,” Grant started to say, but his voice trailed off as he choked up.


I looked up at him, my heart breaking as I saw his tears starting to fall.
“I just never got to know him, GraceAnna. I just wish I could have known him. He was such a godly man. He was an awesome husband and a great dad.”

“I know, Grant.”
Grant turned towards the huge oak that was a few feet away and walked towards it, he didn’t want me to see his tears.
I watched him as I tried to process it all. I tried to imagine what this must be like for him.
Somehow, I felt Grant’s pain, as if it were in some part, my pain too.
Grant is such a strong person who trusts in God’s sovereign plan, but here, in this moment, I saw his sadness that his dad had died. True sadness.

The sadness of a little boy, and the sadness of a grown man.
I loved this man. I loved his character and I loved his heart. I knew my love for him was not a feeling, it was real.
Grant walked back over to me and we sat on the grass there in the cemetery for a long time. We talked about his dad and we cried and then we laughed as Grant told funny stories of things people had told him about his dad. I felt like I somehow knew Kelly too.
After a long while, we got up and made our way over to a stone bench. Grant put his arm around me.
“GraceAnna, thank you for coming here with me today. Thank you for caring about my dad.“
I stared into his face. I didn’t know why I had been feeling so disconnected from him. While my time in the cemetery with him had confirmed my love for him, I still couldn’t put to rest the fears I was feeling.
While I had arrived there that day planning to keep the truth from him, I now knew I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to be honest with him. He deserved that.
“Grant,” I said as I took a deep breath, dreading my next words and hating myself for what I knew I had to say, “there’s something I need to tell you.”
to be continued…

*Pictures, top to bottom –
Grant’s firetruck birthday party
Grant at his dad’s memorial service a year after the crash
The dirty memorial marker that day we visited the cemetery
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 2 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 11

I sat across the booth from Grant at Jim ‘N Nick’s BBQ in Bluffton.

I had just picked him up from the airport after his 24 hour journey from Japan to visit me in Beaufort over Christmas. He had asked me to choose a restaurant for our first official date since he didn’t know the area.
I chose Jim ‘N Nick’s because Grant seemed like a guy who liked BBQ. It was a relaxed and casual atmosphere, but nicer than your average restaurant.
I couldn’t believe we were finally together. After four months of letters, emails, and telephone calls – being in one another’s presence was quite the change.
My mind had been running in a million different directions since I’d picked Grant up from the airport. I had expected everything to just feel so natural between us. Grant and I already knew one another so well now, I figured our first date would not feel like a first date at all.
I thought it would feel like our fiftieth date. After all, the guy across the table from me practically knew everything about me and had already told me that he loved me and planned to pursue me for the rest of my life.
Wow. The guy across the table from me. Not across the world, across the table.

And not only had he declared his love for me, but I had declared my love for him.
And so, this was supposed to be the perfect and most relaxed date of all time. This was supposed to be the most special moment. After months of waiting and longing to see one another, we were finally together.
And yet, my stomach was in knots.
“So, you don’t have brisket?” Grant’s voice to the waitress broke into my world of woes.
“I’m sorry, not today,” the waitress replied.
What in the world was brisket? I wondered. I grabbed a menu. Sure enough, it was on there, I’d just never heard of anyone ordering it before.
Grant disappointedly settled for a form of pig while I ordered a salad.
He then fixed his attention across the table at me. He had been all smiles since the airport.
“GraceAnna, it is so good to finally be with you. Isn’t this just awesome?”

“Yes, yes, it is,” I managed.
“Do you realize this is our first official date?”

“Yes, I do.” That fact had not escaped me.
“How cool is it that on our first date we already know each other.”

“Yes, that’s really neat.”

“Hey, I’ll be right back.”

Grant got up and headed to the restroom. I heard my phone beep. I had a text. It was from my mom.
Did you pick Grant up? Everything going okay?

I stared at the text. I didn’t know what to say. Grant was going to be back from the restroom any minute. Nothing was going badly, I just felt so, well, awkward. I felt like I didn’t know the guy across the table from me even though we were “serious” in our love and admiration for one another.
Yes, it’s fine. I texted back.
Grant slid back into the booth and fixed his gaze back on me.
“GraceAnna, I can’t believe I am finally able to take you out to dinner. You are so beautiful. Your pictures didn’t do you justice.”
“Really?” I gasped. Obviously the awkwardness was one-sided.
—————————————-
We arrived at my parents house a few hours later.
“Dr. and Mrs. Broggi!” Grant exclaimed with excitement and enthusiasm.
Within minutes we were all in the living room and my parents and Grant were laughing and talking.
They loved him. It took about thirty seconds to assess that fact.
And everyone seem to be so at ease and comfortable.
Everyone but me.
After a few minutes, my mom pulled me aside.
“GraceAnna, is everything okay?“
“Yes, it’s fine. I just feel like I don’t know him. I didn’t expect to feel this way.“
“Just relax. It is your first time ever being around him. It’s fine.“
We hung out for a long time, then I brought Grant down to the neighbor’s garage apartment where he would be staying over the next 10 days.
He hugged me before he went upstairs. “GraceAnna, I love your home and your parents. I can’t wait to spend tomorrow with you. I love you, GraceAnna.”

“I love you too, Grant.”

I knew that I did. And I was sure that everything would be better in the morning.

——————————-
The ringing of my phone woke me up. I glanced at the clock, it was a little after seven and I had been in a dead sleep.
We had all stayed up so late the night before, and I had crashed. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
“Hello?” I answered groggily.
“Well, hello!” Grant’s chipper voice answered as he laughed slightly,”I can tell you’ve been up for a while.”
“Grant, we were up past 2 am last night! It’s only 7! I thought you would want to sleep in after your trip.”
“GraceAnna, I’m just not tired. I’m so excited to be here and spend time with you. I only have 10 days and I want to make the most of every one of them.”
A smile crept onto my face. I’d never heard Grant so happy and excited. And hearing his voice over the phone felt so natural and normal. See, everything is better today, I told myself. This was Grant’s voice. My Grant’s voice. I adored his voice.
“I was thinking I could come over and we could spend some time together reading in the Word on your front porch. If you aren’t too tired that is,” Grant added in a joking tone.
I’m not exactly a morning person, and after four months of calling me every morning while I lived in Durham, he was well aware of this fact.
“Okay, that sounds great!” Just give me a few minutes to get ready.
“I’ll be down there in fifteen minutes.“
“Um, a little more time than that...”
“Thirty?“
“That will work.”
——————————
We sat on the front porch and Grant opened his Bible and shared some passages with me.
I just stared at him. I wasn’t hearing a word he was saying. I stared at his hair and his eyebrows and his nose and his chin and his mouth moving.
All the same emotions from the night before came flooding back. I just felt like I was sitting across from a stranger. I felt like there was a disconnect between the guy that I’d come to love through phone and emails and the guy sitting across from me.
I didn’t know how to put the two together.
I felt lightheaded. This had been my worst fear.
My worst fear was that something would happen to mess up the love that I had for the most amazing and perfect man I’d ever gotten to know in my life. Something would happen to invalidate it.
That “something” seemed to have arrived. What in the world was going on? Was this some kind of evil joke?

“GraceAnna, are you okay?” Grant asked, “You seem a little distant or nervous or something.“
“Grant, I’m fine. I’m just getting used to being with you, that’s all.”
I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell him I was acting distant because I felt distant. It would hurt him and I didn’t understand what was going on myself.
I took a deep breath. It will all be fine, I told myself.
But in my head, I heard the voices of everyone who had told me that it might not be.
to be continued…
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 4 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 10

I gripped the black steering wheel on my car tightly as I drove down I-95 towards Savannah.

It was Christmas break and I was on my way to pick Grant up from the airport.
We had been talking about his trip for weeks. We had said so many times over the phone to one another, “I can’t wait to see you!”
I had been counting down the days since Thanksgiving. I thought this day would never come.
And now, suddenly, it had, and I wasn’t sure I was ready.
It’s always that way isn’t it? When you are waiting for something, the waiting seems so long, but then whatever you are waiting for suddenly arrives, you aren’t sure if you are actually ready after all.
I took a deep breath as I turned off the radio. I hadn’t heard a single lyric in the Christmas song that was playing, it was pointless to have it on.
I was wearing a yellow silk ruffle top and dark jeans. I had tried on about 15 outfits before deciding on this one.
Picking up Grant from the airport was a big deal. This was his first impression of me since I was an awkward teenager. I wanted to look pretty, but not too “done-up.” Casual, but not too casual. Dressy, but not too dressy. I mean, this was a complicated thing. No denying it.
It was almost too much pressure. I took another deep breath. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn’t we be like everyone else in the world and just go on a regular first date?

And what if other people were right about us? I had had more than one person raise an eyebrow when I told them Grant was coming to see me for Christmas. “Wow, that’s either going to be an awesome 10 days or an awkward 10 days,” they had said.

Would it be awkward? I mean, I had never, ever spent time with Grant. Ever.

Okay, this kind of self-talk was getting me nowhere and only making me more nervous.
I pulled into the airport parking garage and turned off my car. I pulled down my visor mirror.
Ugh, why is it when you try too hard to look good you never look the way you want to?
I shut the mirror. And started to pray. I prayed that God would help me relax and enjoy my time with Grant. I prayed that our time would bring further clarity to our relationship.
I took another deep breath. I couldn’t deny I was excited. Grant was going to be in Beaufort for 10 days. 10 days!
———————————-
I glanced at my phone to check the time. I had been waiting at the Savannah airport already for over an hour. I had arrived early, way too early. I wanted to make sure I was there to greet him when he arrived if for some reason his flight came in ahead of schedule.
Who was I kidding? International flights never arrive early.
My phone started to ring.
“Hello?”
“GraceAnna, it’s Grant!” I’d never heard his voice sound so excited. “I’m calling you from my pay-as-you-go phone. You won’t believe it! We are in Jacksonville, Florida! Our plane got rerouted because of a storm. I probably won’t be there for another hour. I’m so sorry!”

“Grant, it’s okay! I’m fine. Are you okay?”
“GraceAnna, I’m doing awesome!” I smiled. If there was one thing I had already learned about Grant it was that he was the most positive person I had ever met in my life. He had been traveling across the world for over 24 hours without sleep, and now his plane was getting rerouted and he was doing “awesome.”
“But I’m just dying to see you,” he continued. “Well, and there’s this lady sitting next to me whose taking up basically the entire row. Wow, I’m so ready to be there!”

“Grant! Can she hear you?”

“No, I think she just got up to get a Twinkie!”

“Oh, Grant,” I felt my nervousness ebb as I started to laugh.
“I’m serious, GraceAnna. She’s at a Burger King or something and they are holding our plane waiting for her to get back. It’s ridiculous. Oh, got to go, There’s saying something about our plane about to take off. So I should be there soon. I love you.”

“I love you too, bye!”

I hung up the phone. The irony hit me. I just told him that I loved him and we hadn’t even been on a date yet. That was kind of funny.
I took another deep breath. It had been so good to hear Grant’s voice. I hadn’t been able to talk to him during his entire trip, which had made me more nervous. His voice had a calming affect. See, everything is fine! I told myself.
And I waited.
————————————-
Grant’s flight number on the board started to blink. His plane had landed.
It had been about an hour since I’d talked to Grant on the phone when he was in Jacksonville.
I got up and walked to the top of the ramp before the security checkpoint. The Savannah airport is small, so there’s just one long terminal. I could basically see down to the very end of the terminal from the top of the ramp.
I saw a group of tired looking people heading my way.
Grant nor the Twinkie lady were in sight.
I was nervous again. I couldn’t believe it. Grant and I had been writing and talking since beginning of August. And now I was going to see him for the first time. This was huge.
What was it going to be like? What would he think when he saw me? Would he like my yellow top? Would I be like he hoped?

I stood there. It seemed that everyone else on the plane had exited before he had. People were hugging and greeting their friends all around me.
The suspense was killing me.
Suddenly, I saw him. I saw him.

He was wearing a maroon fleece, light colored jeans, and he had a Marine Corps backpack on his back. He was wearing maroon the last time I saw him 6 years before. It must be his color.
He was smiling at me. I waved.
I watched him walk up the long ramp. It was like watching a photograph come to life. I couldn’t believe it was him. I was in shock.
He finally reached the top and made his way over to me.
“Hey, GraceAnna!” he said in the familiar voice I had come to know and love.
He hugged me and I stared up into his face. Something didn’t feel right. I felt like I was hugging a stranger. I hugged him and closed my eyes. Everything was okay! I told myself, this is Grant.
“You’re beautiful,” he said as he just stood there staring at me.

“Thank you, Grant.” But I hardly even enjoyed his words because my heart was pounding out of my chest. What was going on? I had expected his arrival to be like a fairytale. This was supposed to be the culmination of every wonderful word we had spoken to one another over the past 4 months.

“It’s so good to finally see you,” I managed to say, but my heart was telling me a different story.
to be continued…
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 3 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 9

The Fall semester at Duke was flying by. I was busy each day walking around Duke’s campus, leading my sophomore Bible study, and meeting with freshman girls. It was so fun getting to know each student.

I loved that I got to spend time on a college campus but I wasn’t cramming for exams and going to class.

Often times I would step into Duke’s beautiful chapel during the day for a few minutes to reflect and to pray. I would stare at the stained glass murals that followed the stories of the Bible in the Old and New Testament and I would think about the lives that each mural represented. I would try to trace my way through the Bible following the stained glass around the chapel walls.
Then I would think about how God had brought me to Duke and all that He was doing in my own life.
It amazed me how He has continually been working in the lives of His people from the beginning of time.
It amazed me that He could even care about the little things in my life.
He was showing me that through bringing Grant to me just how much He did care. I couldn’t believe it. But I shouldn’t be surprised.
Grant and I were growing closer and closer with each day and I would daily find myself talking to the Lord about our relationship. I was praying about our relationship that day in the chapel.
You see, I was struggling with something.
And it wasn’t my love and respect for Grant. Somehow, I already knew that I loved him. I never thought I could love someone so quickly and so assuredly, but I did.
I was struggling with something else: I didn’t know how to explain my relationship with Grant to other people.
I knew that it should be simple enough, but it wasn’t.
Because Grant was in Japan, it wasn’t like people could see us spending time together and say the typical, “I saw Grant and GraceAnna on a date together!”
I never thought I would miss that kind of talk, but I actually did because now I had to initiate on my own that I was dating someone.
And could I even use the word “date” since we’d never actually been on one? And what if someone asked me when the last time was that I actually saw Grant? And what if they asked how much time we had actually spent together?
I did attempt to tell people though. The conversation usually went like this,
“I’m talking with a guy, well dating a guy.”

“What? Who?”

“Well, his name is Grant.”

“How do you know him?”

“Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I met him in when I was in high school.”

“Oh, so you went to high school with him?”

“Well, no, but that’s just when we met.”

“So y’all were friends?”

“Well, not really, but we knew of each other.”

“Okay. So, how did you reconnect?”

“Well, actually through Facebook.”

“Oh…. Okay. Where does he live?”

“Japan.”

“Oh. Wow. When was the last time you saw him?”

“6 years ago.”

“Oh. Wow. Well, um, neat.”

No matter how hard I tried, I felt at a complete loss to explain to others the legitimacy of our relationship. And the fact is, I knew it sounded strange. All other people heard was that I was dating seriously some guy who was a Marine in Japan that I’d met once. It sounded sketchy.
(Now, I will say that for those who knew me growing up and knew Grant’s family and story, it was not strange or weird at all! They thought it was so amazing that we had reconnected and were beyond excited for me.)
But even in my struggle to explain my relationship with Grant, God was teaching me something. He was teaching me to trust Him and not worry about what other people thought and said.
So I prayed for boldness, and I tried my best to explain.
——————————————
“I want to come see you,” Grant told me one day over the phone. It was close to Thanksgiving.
“Really?! When?”

“Well, I had originally planned to go home to Texas for Christmas, but instead, I’d like to come see you.”

“Grant, I would love that.”

And so, just like that, Grant started making plans to come to South Carolina.
————————————-
“I heard they met over the internet,” I heard the hushed voices whisper in the next room.
I was on a break from Duke and hanging out with some friends. I was alone in the next room and I tried not to overhear what they were saying, but as I folded my clothes into my suitcase, I couldn’t help but hear their words.
“He’s coming to visit her for Christmas. I guess they are really serious.“
“Wow, for Christmas? That’s pretty intense, meeting the family and all. And it’s only been a few months.”

“Yeah, and she hasn’t seen him since high school. And even then they didn’t really know each other.”

“Well, hopefully it will all work out. Sometimes those types of relationships do.”

“Yeah, I sure hope so.”

I put the last item in my suitcase and sat down on the sofa. I picked up a pillow and rested my hands on it. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told anyone about my relationship with Grant at all, I thought to myself. I should have waited until after he visited, and then I could tell people. Then it wouldn’t sound so strange.
But I knew that it would be even stranger if I kept the whole thing a secret for months. Since Grant and I were becoming serious, I had to start telling people.
And if they didn’t get it, then they just didn’t get it.
As I sat alone in the room, I called Grant on his phone. It was after 2am his time, I knew I would wake him up. But I needed to talk to him.
“Hello?” his groggy voice answered on the other end.
“Hey, it’s me. I’m really sorry to wake you up.”
“Is everything okay, GraceAnna?” he could hear the tightness in my voice.
“Yes,” I said, as the tears I had been trying to hold in started to fall.
“What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.“
I told him about the conversation I’d just overheard and how I had been feeling when I tried to explain my relationship with him to other people.
“I feel like people don’t understand. And I want them to understand and be excited for me.“
“GraceAnna,” Grant’s warm voice broke into my tears, “It doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is what you and those who know you best think.“
“I know.”
“It’s just difficult for people to understand because they’ve never met me and I’m all the way in Japan. But after I come see you, it won’t matter anymore, okay?”
“Okay.”
“You’ve got to stop this and just trust the Lord.“
“I know.” I took a deep breath. Grant always knew just what to say. And it always amazed me how he wasn’t afraid to tell me the truth. I loved that he guided me like that.
“I’m sorry, GraceAnna.” This time I could hear the sadness in his voice. “I’m sorry that I’m not there to pursue you in person. I’m sorry that it’s hard for you to explain. I’m sorry that I’m stationed in Japan right now. But that’s why I’m coming all the way across the world to see you, okay? If I could be there now, I would be. And after I come, everyone will understand. People mean well. They just care about you and don’t want you to get hurt. I love you, GraceAnna. It’s all going to be fine.”
“Grant, I love you too. I can’t wait to see you in less than a month.”
“I know, I’m counting down the days! Now, turn that frown upside down and go out there and have an awesome day!”

I laughed and now I was smiling, “Grant, that’s corny.”
“It made you smile didn’t it?“
“Yes, it did. Thank you, Grant. I’m really sorry I woke you up. I just needed to talk to you.”
“GraceAnna, you can call me anytime you need to. Anytime. I love you, girl.”

“Bye, Grant.”

“Bye, sweetheart.”

I hung up the phone and walked over to the mirror and wiped away my tears. I gave a big smile and tried to determine if I looked like I had been crying. I decided I looked good enough.
And he’d just called me “sweetheart!”
I took a deep breath, opened the door, and I did just what Grant told me to do, I had an awesome day.
to be continued…
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 2 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 8

I always believed and prayed that the Lord would lead through the direction and guidance of my parents as it regarded guys that I dated. That wasn’t always easy. Sometimes my dad would say “no” when I thought he should say “yes.” I remember one time in particular when I was in high school that I thought that he was way too strict. He just didn’t understand!
But, I was a Christian girl with Christian parents, so I knew deep-down, that if I rebelled against my dad’s leadership in my life, God would not be pleased. I knew that God had placed the guidance of my parents over me for my own protection.

Growing up in high school and later in college, I trusted them.
I know that was only evidence of God’s grace in my life.
When it came to Grant, I thought that they might be hesitant about him pursuing me since he was all the way on the other side of the world. I thought that they might say that he should wait to pursue me until he came back to the states. I thought that they might tell me that it would be strange for us not to spend time together and only to communicate long-distance. But I was wrong.

You see, they loved Grant. They thought him pursuing me was awesome. To them, he was a direct answer to their prayers. They knew his family background and they spoke with him on the phone and learned about what he’d been doing over the past few years, and they were sure that he was God’s answer to their prayers. (Now, they didn’t tell all this to me at the time).
And so, my dad gave Grant “official” permission to pursue me.
It wasn’t an immediate thing. As Grant says, “he played hardball” and made Grant wait several days before getting back with him. He had to “think about it” and “talk it over with GraceAnna.“
But my dad did say, “yes.” Which only made Grant pursue me harder and more intently.
That’s one of the things that was so different about Grant. He was so sure of himself. As Grant got to know me, he had no doubts about the fact that he wanted to have a relationship with me. He wasn’t playing with my emotions, or wavering back and forth with his feelings.
When we talked on the phone, he guided the conversation, not me.
He wasn’t afraid to call me and write me and put himself out there. And of course, he hadn’t been afraid to call my dad (well, he will admit now that he was nervous), but he wasn’t afraid. There’s a difference.
Because Grant was so sure, he made me feel sure. I wasn’t afraid to write him and respond to his interest in me.
It’s as if God was making His will for me so clear and gently telling me it was okay to step through this new doorway in my life. I had the people who were closest to me holding it open for me.
And so, from one end of the world to another, I began to fall in love with a guy that I’d only met once in my life.
————————————————————-
Grant’s first letter to me arrived on September 20, 2008. I came home from a long day on campus and picked up my mail from my apartment postal box.
My heart jumped when I saw a yellow envelope with handwriting I’d never seen before. I forced myself to drive to my apartment with the letter in my lap and park my car. I sat there and stared at the envelope. Grant’s handwriting on the outside was in all caps and he had written out my entire name – GRACEANNA MAUDE BROGGI. I slowly opened it, my heart pounding.
The card had a Japanese structure on the outside and Fall leaves. I knew he had obviously picked the card out especially to send to me.
I read Grant’s writing for the first time. I loved it. It was cursive and a little hard to read. But for some reason, I’ve always liked it when guys don’t have perfect handwriting. I don’t know why I like this, it’s weird I know. I guess I relate it to a sign of masculinity.
His letter was long, but it wasn’t mushy or filled with meaningless idioms. Like always, Grant talked about real things – his thoughts, his feelings, and what he was doing.
I laughed aloud as the topic of football came into his first letter. It would.
But his letter was also spiritually encouraging.
There is one section of his letter that absolutely amazed me and it still does. Grant wrote,
“I remember you saying that John 7:37, where Jesus mentioned the water that eternally satisfies was one of your favorites. I don’t think I told you this, but it’s also one of mine, GraceAnna. Let’s always drink deeply of our Savior! His love will always be more than enough. Let us always pray that our souls will find our longing fulfilled in our Savior and not in each other (because we cannot satisfy the longings that each of us have in our heart). But if God is our portion forever, then we will be able to love each other with the love of Christ, because we know that we are not “completing” each other, but that the completion of our souls can only be found in the cross and in Christ. That being said, I can pursue your heart with the right intentions, because I have not placed you as number one in my heart. I have the freedom in Christ to pursue you with a righteous love for you (that I believe God has placed in my heart).”

I looked up from his letter, tears in my eyes, who was this guy? Was he angelic? Seriously, where had he been all my life?

But what surprised me most in his letter, was not that, but was what I read towards the end.
“GraceAnna, you once said, ‘love is trust,’ well, you have my complete trust and my heart. It has amazed me how God has filled my heart with love for you. I love you, GraceAnna Maude Broggi! I intend to pursue your heart all the days of my life.

Yours,
Grant
1 Samuel 2:30

I sat there in my car in amazement and shock. WOW!
It was end of September, September...we had started talking at the beginning of August.
Even though it had only been such a short time, we had been talking A LOT – for hours every night and countless emails. There had been a ton of communication in two months, to say the least.

But still, how could he write that? How could he be so sure that he loved me? How could he say that he was always going to pursue me? Wasn’t he afraid to be so bold?

However, his letter confirmed what I had already been learning about Grant. He just was who he was. He just expressed what he felt. He didn’t beat around the bush. He didn’t over-analyze and hypothesize. Telling me that he loved me was just natural for him.
He told me the same thing on the phone later that day. It was just, “I love you, GraceAnna.” It was completely normal for him to say it. There was no hesitation in his voice. No preface. No ceremony or bells ringing.
I was amazed by this. I mean, I had read I Kissed Dating Good-bye* after all. Wasn’t he supposed to propose immediately if he said those words?
But Grant didn’t speak those words without meaning or thought behind them. He just already knew that he loved me and so he didn’t hold back. He already knew that he wanted to pursue me for the long-term.
And honestly, that’s one of the most amazing things about our “relationship.” It was like God had been preparing us each separately for so long, that when God finally had our paths cross, it was just so right. We both knew somehow that we were meant for one another. We recognized that God was bringing us together. It was different than anything else either one of us had ever experienced.
And so, just as if it was completely normal, I found those three words rolling off of my tongue, “I love you, too.”
And I realized it was because I actually did.
———————————-
to be continued…
* I think that I Kissed Dating Good-bye is a good book, I was just making a point about Grant’s personality.
Posted on by castleberryhearts · 6 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 7

{Had to add some more to the story on Valentine’s Day}

I was wearing a peach skirt and a white scalloped top the first time I heard Grant’s voice over the phone.

He had asked for my number the night before on Gmail chat. Since he was stationed in Japan with the Marine Corps, there was a huge time difference and when he had asked for my phone number he was on his way out the door for work.
“I’d like to call you when I get back tonight. It would be about your mid-morning,” Grant wrote. “How does that sound?”

“Sounds great.” I typed back.
I was nervous all morning. What would it be like to finally talk with Grant? We had been writing one another for three weeks and I already knew that I liked him. A lot.
I got dressed and ready for the day and I waited. It was Saturday and I was going to be eating lunch with some friends.
I was dying. When would he get back from work and call? What would I say? How could I make myself not sound nervous?

Would I say, “hey,” or “hello,” or “hi,” or “hey there”?
And seriously, why was I nervous? I couldn’t remember the last time I had gotten nervous talking to a guy. Why did he make me feel this way?

I heard my phone ring. I sat completely still – frozen. It was a number I didn’t recognize. It had to be Grant. I couldn’t believe I was finally about to talk to him.
Oh my goodness. Suddenly I was afraid to pick up. Oh, but I have to pick it up.
“Hello?” My voice was definitely nervous, no disguising it.

“Hey, GraceAnna, this is Grant! I’m sorry it took me so long to call you, I just got in from a long day at work.”

“Oh, it’s no problem, I’ve been busy all morning.” Busy worrying that is.

I stood there in my peach skirt and scalloped top and I felt my heart melting.
I didn’t know what his voice was going to sound like. I had heard it on the news video that I had watched online, but talking to him on the phone was completely different.
His voice was seriously the most amazing voice I had ever heard in my life. It was warm, gentle, enthusiastic and yet masculine all at the same time.
“So, how are you today?” he asked. I can still hear now exactly the way he said it that day.
I melted again. “Oh, I’m fine. I’ve just had a very leisurely and relaxing morning.” This was a complete contradiction from what I’d just said a moment before about how busy I had been all morning. Busy and leisurely? That made perfect sense.
“Yeah? Well, that’s great, GraceAnna, it’s so good to finally hear your voice. You have a southern accent.“
I had forgotten that this was also the first time he had heard my voice. Oh no! I suddenly realized in my nervousness I was talking in a southern accent.
I don’t really think I have a southern accent, but if I get worked up or nervous, I sort of have one.
I tried to sound more relaxed. “Oh, really, well, it’s not that southern. I mean, if you heard some other people talk from S.C. you’d know what I mean.”

“I like it.”

“Oh, I’m glad.” I was now a complete puddle on the floor. It would take hours to get me up off of it.

We talked on the phone for a very long time. I never once sat down. I stared out the window at the dumpsters of trash behind the Kroger that was across the street during our entire conversation. Very romantic.
We talked so long that when I said good-bye I realized it was past lunch time and that I had to go to the bathroom really bad. But I hadn’t even noticed. I felt neither hunger nor thirst. Nor anything else apparently.
I don’t remember very much of what we talked about in that first conversation, but I do remember one thing –
by the time I hung up that phone, I was head over heels for Grant Robert Castleberry.
———————————-
“I can’t even describe it…” I wrote in my journal in September of 2008 as I sat in the cafe in the Perkins Library at Duke waiting for a student to arrive. “It’s like I’ve known Grant forever and I am so comfortable talking with him. We discuss everything. I can tell he really cares about me and I’m not sure why. What made him write me? I have enjoyed his friendship immensely and I find myself hoping and praying that he’s here to stay.“
Grant and I had added daily phone calls to our already daily emails. We had only been talking and writing for a little over a month, but things were moving along fairly quickly. We were growing closer with each passing day.
I wasn’t sure where our friendship was going, but I knew it was headed somewhere fast.
I was still waiting for the student I was meeting with to arrive when my cell phone rang. It was my dad. I knew I didn’t have much time to talk, but I picked it up.
“Hey, Dad, I’ve only got a minute. I’m about to meet with a student but wanted to pick up.“
“Oh, okay. Well, I just thought you might be interested to know who I just got off the phone with.”
“What? Who?”

“Grant Castleberry”
“What?” I exclaimed way too loudly as I got a few stares from diligent studying Duke students. I lowered my voice and looked around, my appointment still hadn’t arrived. “Are you serious? What did he say?”

My heart was beating fast. Grant calling my dad was a big deal; I knew that.
“Well, he wanted to ask me a few questions.”

“Dad, just tell me!”

“He really likes you, GraceAnna. He wants my permission to pursue you.”

“Well, what did you tell him?” I could barely contain myself. Right then my appointment walked up. I motioned to her that I’d just be a minute.
“I told him that I’d talk to you about it. I know you’ve got to go, we can talk about it later.”

“Okay,” I knew he was right. The student I was meeting with was patiently waiting. “I’ll talk to you later.”
I turned my attention across the table and thought, how in the world am I going to focus now?

to be continued…

Posted on by castleberryhearts · 5 Comments

Texas Heart – Part 6

My Journal – August 28, 2008

It’s amazing how much change has come into my life at once. Grant Castleberry has begun to write me. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him. I feel like we connect deeply on a spiritual level. I have been encouraged by his spiritual intensity and leadership. It has also been nice to know that he truly cares about my ministry here at Duke and that he cares about me and prays for me. He has shown interest in the “real” me, who I really am, and my faith.

I never expected that he would come into my life, never wished it, never planned it. In so many ways, it’s hard for me to know what I really think of our “relationship.” He’s a friend I’ve never really met. I’m a little scared to continue writing someone I’ve never interacted with in person.

I know that a true man is a man of integrity. This is the type of man every Christian woman dreams about. I know it is my hope and dream as well. I have given this area of my life to the Lord and will continue to trust Him. I don’t want my heart to get hurt or broken. But I know that God cares for me and I am continually amazed by Him. Like the Psalmist says, “I have seen a limit to all perfection, but your commandment is exceedingly broad!”

—————————————

It had been about three weeks since I had received the first message from Grant and we had been writing one another every day.

We immediately connected on so many levels. It wasn’t like I had planned to keep writing him or that I was trying to “keep something going” between us, it was like I couldn’t help but write him.

I enjoyed reading every one of his messages and I couldn’t wait to write him back.

I was loving my time at Duke and I was getting used to my new job. It was a super busy time as students had arrived back on campus and my days were filled with campus events and appointments with freshman girls.

I loved the beautiful Duke campus and spending every day there. In the midst of all the busyness, I would find time to slip into the Duke library and check my email. A message from Grant would brighten my entire day.

Grant was different than any guy I’d ever conversed with. He asked me so many questions. And not just basic questions, but spiritual questions. And he shared his thoughts with me. He would tell me what he was learning from God’s Word and how he felt God was leading him.

He would share stories with me that would make me laugh. I would sometimes catch myself laughing aloud reading his emails.

But even more than how much I enjoyed reading his emails and writing him back, I couldn’t get over how alike we were. I mean, we were definitely different in a lot of things – I could tell that our personalities were different, but in terms of the things we believed, I felt like I was talking to myself sometimes.

We shared so many, “me too” moments and “I feel the exact same way!” and “I’ve never heard anyone say it like that. That’s how I would explain it!”

Over those first three weeks of messages, I learned a lot about Grant. I found out that he grew up his whole life in Texas (besides the time he lived in Beaufort when his dad passed away). He played all sorts of sports growing up, but he loved football the most and was captain of his football team in high school. He was always sharing his faith and leading Bible studies at the public schools he attended (this point continually blew me away – I couldn’t believe how rock solid his faith was and had always been). Grant would think it was funny the way I would say, “How did you grow up attending public school and still be so untainted by the world?”


{This was later on – but Grant told me a funny story once about how he “tract-bombed” his school. He used to go to a Christian Tract Store and pick out tracts that he thought would best relate to his classmates. Then, while everyone else was goofing off during recess or breaks, he would slide a tract in ever single locker in his school. Grant thinks this is a hilarious story now, and while it may not have been the most effective method of sharing Christ with his classmates, it spoke volumes to me about where his heart was.}

I learned that when he was 14 years old he shared the Gospel to over 1,000 students at a youth event. Afterwards, an older man approached him and asked him if he had ever considered being a pastor. That night, God planted the seed in his heart that God was calling him into ministry.

I also learned that he had always, always, known that he wanted to attend Texas A&M and that no other school was even an option. Both of his fathers had attended there, as well as his mom, and countless other family members.

He also felt God leading him to join the Corps of Cadets and be a Yell Leader so that he could have a bigger impact and witness for Christ.

Even though by the time he graduated from college he knew he wanted to go to seminary and be a pastor, he felt that God wanted him to serve his country first. He wanted to “give back,” and so he joined the Marine Corps.

And now he was stationed in Japan. Yes, Japan.

That did pose a little problem in our “relationship.”

I knew I was growing close to Grant. In fact, that’s the part that scared me. After only three weeks of writing him, I knew that if he were to stop writing me for some reason, it was already going to hurt.

How did I let this happen? I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to get attached to this guy so quickly. But I couldn’t help it. I thought he was amazing.

And that’s the whole thing, he was too amazing. This couldn’t be “real.” He couldn’t be real. He probably just seemed awesome, but really he wasn’t.

Yes, these were the things I was telling myself.

I was starting a new job in a new place. I needed my heart to be focused at Duke, not in Japan to a guy that I’d only met for like a minute years before.

But that was the funny thing about our “internet relationship” (as my brothers would later joke me about), Grant helped my heart focus on the things that I needed to focus on. He helped my heart focus on Duke.

I remember one day walking out of the library and feeling scared.

Lord, I prayed. You have brought Grant into my life. I know this without a doubt. For some reason, you have wanted me to have this “relationship” with Grant. Regardless of where this goes, I know that this has only encouraged me spiritually. But if you want this to continue, please confirm this to me. Please show me. And if this isn’t your will, please step in and end it now. Amen.

In an answer to my prayer, later that day I received an email from my mom.

GraceAnna,

I found this video on Grant Castleberry. You’ve got to watch it.

Love,
Mom

I sat alone in my room as I opened up the video.

It was a video that a local news station had done on Grant while he was a yell leader at Texas A&M. It documented his story, including the death of his father, and how it had impacted him.

As I watched Grant talk in the video (it was really the first time I’d ever heard him talk), I knew that he was genuine. I knew that he was real. I knew that writing him was okay because he wasn’t leading me along. It was as if God was giving me a big “yes” to keep writing Grant.

Tears streamed down my face as I heard the genuineness in his voice that I had been reading in his emails.

He was so amazing. I knew that God was doing something special in my life.

Oh, I hope he keeps writing me.

My computer chimed. I walked over and opened up a gmail chat from Grant. It was the first time he’d ever “chatted” with me. “GraceAnna, would it be okay if I called you?”

My heart skipped a beat, well a lot of beats.

To be continued…

The video I watched of Grant is below.